I have a couple of friends who are currently on their way to Cambodia. I keep seeing their posts and while I’m excited and anticipating their arrival, I’m also kind of really sad that I am not there, or not on my way there, too.
Because I want to be there. I want to be there very badly, but I know that right now is not the right time. That is clear to me.
I wonder if I ever will step back through the gates of Rapha. Those days really do seem so distant now. And it’s strange to see Facebook posts and tweets from a year ago when I was just getting my bearings in Cambodia — and now I am comfortable sitting in a Panera and eating $10 food and being the typical privileged white girl that I have grown up as. And it’s strange because I don’t want to be comfortable here. I want to feel out of place and unwelcome and unsettled here. I want my heart to be comfortable in third world locations — in Cambodia.
I want to tie up the loose ends in America — pay off my loans, save up money, sell all my belongings — and move far away. To live in Cambodia and feel both like a stranger and right at home. To feel so out of place, but right in the spot designed for me.
Or rather, the spot that I am designed for.
I miss that country and all it’s quirky ways. I miss explaining things away with a shrug and a “well, it’s Cambodia!” Because while that doesn’t make sense to anyone else here, it makes perfect sense to me and any expat who has lived in Cambodia.
“Even David was anointed and had to wait to be king.”
That’s what she said to me as she prayed for direction and patience and preparation in my life.
Even David – the great king – had to wait for the right time. The king of a whole nation waiting, slinging stones, watching sheep, chasing off predators for years until it was time for him to step into the role God had prepared him for. Prepared for him.
That’s my place now — the place of preparation and of waiting and of biding my time and working diligently and being patient and trusting that it will all happen at the right time.
At the right time.
“In His time.”
People always say that, but I feel like you never really understand it until you don’t understand it. I think that’s where I am currently — I understand the “in His time” thing, because I just don’t understand this, right now.
I want to be THERE, yet I am HERE. With no timeline, no opportunities or open doors, no plans.
i want to be THERE, but I know that I need to be HERE.
So while I am waiting here, working an eight-to-five office job, paying for my Bachelor’s, saving my money, biding my time… I guess I just have to keep not understanding His timing, but trusting that it’s right. That He is right.
(Because He. is. right.)
I am here to prepare for my next journey to Cambodia — I firmly, truly believe that. My heart longs for the Khmer culture, the language, the land. My heart literally aches to see my friends and to hug my girls. My ears burn to hear the words I’ve come to understand. My mind reels when I think of the faces and places and sounds and smells.
I miss it so much.
So while I miss it, while I wait for it, I anticipate His timing, knowing that one day I will return. One day I will again experience that heat that sucks all the energy out of you, I’ll hear the morning prayers to Buddha, the wedding parties at dawn, the children yelling about my white skin as I zip past on my moto.
I’ll be back. But until then, I wait. I anticipate my return. I trust in His timing.