Tonight, as I sit in my bed on freshly washed sheets with a fan blowing and the air con set to 20*C (whatever that is), I find myself trying to pin down feeling words to express my emotions. The truth is, I cannot pin down just one word… I can’t even pin down five.
Lily sat on my bed this evening and we talked for a little while and at one point she asked, “how are you doing being gone and being here?” To which I replied “I miss my people, and I miss being at ease. And I miss feeling emotionally stable.” Then we laughed and Lily commented on what a great way to phrase it that was.
That’s the truth though, friends. Most days my emotions are the equivalent of Sheikra or The Hulk. It starts off really great, a steady climb to the top where I’m all “yeah! Today is going to be awesome!” and then a sudden drop for whatever reason. Or, the day starts like I’m being shot out of a cannon and I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to keep up and save face and pretend like I understand what the heck I’m doing here. Either way, every day holds such an emotional roller coaster.
Don’t get me wrong. Please, don’t get me wrong. I have had the best month of my life, living and working here. It is hard, painful work sometimes, and there are moments when I do not always feel love towards this country that has my heart. But there are days, oh, are there days, when the sun shines just perfectly, the breeze kind of carries you along, the birds are chirping, the girls are laughing and playing, and work is getting done and going smoothly.
There are days when everything clicks together so perfectly that I have to give my arm a pinch just to make myself believe that I’m actually here. It’s a beautiful country, with beautiful people who have beautiful stories.
I know I’ve only been here for a month, but it feels like it’s been a year already, and at the same time it still feels like I’m floating through week one. I am excited, so excited, for what the next eleven months hold. If month one is any indication of the rest of my year, it will be difficult and emotional and so absolutely beautiful. I am blessed, friends. My life has been so blessed by the Good Lord, and I could not be more thankful for this.
I woke up the other day with a smile on my face and I thought, “I live in Cambodia.” How freaking awesome is that?