So often, people ask me how I’m feeling about Cambodia.
My answer basically always looks like this:
And that’s where people start to give me this look:
And that’s when I get all:
Friends, I love you. I am forever thankful for the influence that you have had over my life. Chances are, I really actually like you and enjoy being your friend.
I understand that you are so excited for me. I get that somehow I have inspired you. (Okay, I don’t actually get that part, but whatever you say, weirdos.)
But I’m asking you – nay, begging you – please, stop with the guilt trips.
It’s taken me a very long time to figure it out, but I am allowed to be scared.
Weird, right? It’s crazy that a person following God’s will is allowed to be scared! Why would I be scared? God’s got me! God’s got it all under control! He sees the future and He knows what’s up ahead, so I’ve got nothing to be worried about!
And that is so incredibly true. But I’m still allowed to be a little scared, aren’t I? It’s a scary thing, leaving everything and moving to another country for a year. Please, agree with me on this — moving 10,000 miles away from home all by myself to go to a foreign country and do work is a scary thing. A great thing, a wonderful thing, a really, really exciting and awesome and adventurous and brave thing. But still a little scary. And isn’t that what bravery is? Isn’t that kind of what courage is? Doing something even though you’re afraid?
I’m not saying I’m petrified, and I’m not saying that I am crippled by fear, and I am certainly not saying that I am letting this fear overtake me or my thoughts or actions. I am saying it’s a little scary to dive headfirst into the unknown. And I think that’s okay.
So please, when I admit to you that I’m scared (which I seldom admit, because my confession is normally followed by shame. Like, what? Am I not Christian enough for my calling because I’m scared?), please just nod your head in agreement. I’ll even take a pat on the back. Preferably, I’d get a really solid, 3-second hug out of the whole ordeal. Maybe think about hugging me? I like hugs. Really. Just not group hugs — they freak me out.
Now, with that out of the way… Over the past week I have been blessed in huge huge huge ways, specifically financially. After my interview in front of the congregation, money started pouring in. The Lord has surely filled my cup to overflowing. I now have only about $500/month that needs to be secured in support. That number shrinks daily, and for that I am forever thankful.
There are eleven days until graduation, I think. Today I am ready to throw in the towel on school and call it quits and just hop on the next plane to Cambodia. I’m just ready to be there. This whole “waiting” thing kind of really sucks. Can’t I just snap my fingers or twitch my nose or something and be there already? Would that be so awful if I did just up and leave?
So, twenty three more days it is, then. Twenty three. Twenty. Three.
All I’m saying is this would be way less stressful if I just left tomorrow instead of waiting twenty three more days. But I mean… patience, patience, patience. It’s part of the fruit of the Spirit, you know.